Team Free Crack
by DarthSlytherin
Summary: Entirely dialogue interpretation on how season 5 should have gone. Completely for my own entertainment written to cheer me up after 'Marley and Me' and I thought I'd share it with the world. Sam/Gabriel, Dean/Castiel, Bobby/Whiskey.


_There is some pairing in this, but since it's dialogue, there's no danger of walking in on a smut fic. I know, I write smut sometimes, but the thought is still there that I would like to be warned. Here be spoilers for who Gabriel is, though honestly I don't think I've actually said anything about his other identity anyways, merely a brief bit of his history and motives. Sam/Gabriel with a side of Dean/Castiel (because I just couldn't resist) but like I said, nothing graphic._

_Now, my main aim is feedback on what I'm doing wrong and right when I'm writing different characters, though I admit, it is difficult because this turned into a more humor dialogue story. Apparently without description, I imagine Gabriel as a pervert, Bobby as a gruff old codger, Dean as very angry, Sam as a girl and Castiel clueless to everything around him. But hey... let's upload it anyways and give it a go. Hope you enjoy!_

_-Em x_

* * *

"So first you kill me like a hundred times, and now you want to help us stop the apocalypse?"

"Nah, I'm just here for a quick chat."

"About what, Gabriel?"

"Sarcasm, Cassie, and its various uses in conversation."

"I see."

"He's being sarcastic, Cas. He doesn't want to actually talk about sarcasm."

"I see."

"Not that you lovebirds aren't just charming company or anything, but where's the Sasquatch? He tends to speak more intelligently."

"Thanks, dickwad."

"He's also less offensive."

"Dean has the right to hold anger against you, Gabriel."

"And prettier."

"If you even think of sexually harassing my little brother, I'm saving up the Holy Oil and having an archangel barbeque."

"I taste great with whipped cream."

"Ew."

"Dean's right... that is disgusting. It would be very sticky."

"..."

"..."

"Yeah... sticky."

"Gabriel, why are you really here? You made it clear to the Winchesters that you wish them to accept their vessels."

"Actually Cas, the only thing which I made clear to those muttonheads is my identity and my desire to get it all over with."

"Dude, there is no way that we're going to buy into this."

"Sam was going to ask me to help before I zapped you into a bad gameshow, what's changed?"

"His opinion of you, apparently. Now he agrees that you're a complete douche and that we shouldn't talk to monsters."

"Dean, Gabriel is making sense. I often wish that the apocalypse was over."

"Cas, he trapped you in... where even were you?"

"..."

"Stop laughing, you asshole. TV land was not funny."

"Depends on your sense of humor, really."

"Cas, we can't trust him."

"Cas-Cas, are you going to let him talk to your big bro like that?"

"When have you ever acted like a big brother to Cas?"

"Since before you were born, kid. Since when were you acting all 'mother hen' to little Castiel?"

"Since his dicks of brothers started... being dicks."

"You mean me?"

"You're definitely not excluded."

"You're calling me a dick then."

"Yeah, and you have been a dick for longer than I've known Cas."

"You mean longer than you and Castiel began your vomit-inducing, eye-sexing love affair."

"Yes... NO!"

"You said yes!"

"Then I said no."

"You still said yes."

"And I still said no."

"Just because you negate it, does not make it untrue."

"You're such a dick."

"We've been over this already, Dean."

"Hey, Assbutts! Think about what you are saying to each other. Gabriel, you are a dick. Dean, you should trust Gabriel and Gabriel never alluded that he has anything to lose or gain from the apocalypse actually _happening_, he merely said that he wished it to be over. And despite what both of you think, you are not my Father's gift to women. Gabriel is staying, Dean."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Assbutt? Didn't you teach him how to speak like a human while he was Fallen?"

"I tried. Not as easy as it looks."

"Huh."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I so _am_ Dad's gift to women."

"Shuttup Gabriel."

.

* * *

.

"So what now? Do we just have to get used to Gabriel hanging around Bobby's house? He won't be happy with that, Dean. Gabriel's ten kinds of crazy with a cherry on top."

"I know, Sammy, but Cas seems pretty convinced he's on our side, and the dude's got style, not to mention a lot of juice."

"..."

"I don't mean real juice."

"I know."

"..."

"..."

"Are you sure that we can trust Cas with this?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, Dean, that Cas has obviously been missing how he used to be part of the angelic family and in case you haven't noticed, he's been completely cut off. Gabriel was a part of the family that he used to belong to, and he might have blinders on to Gabriel's true motives."

"What do you think Gabriel's true motives are?"

"I don't know... I really can't see why he'd come back if it wasn't to help, now that he's against us taking our vessels and all."

"Yeah."

"And it kind of makes a little bit of sense, if you squint."

"What does?"

"Gabriel. It makes sense that Gabriel would do this and I kind of have to admit that I admire the guy for it. He's finally standing up to his family."

"Yeah, and it took him the best part of a couple of millennia."

"But he is doing it."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"..."

"I see what's going on here."

"What?"

"You totally have a mancrush on an angel."

"Hardly, Dean."

"Gabe and Sammy, sitting in a tree – OW!"

"Serves you right."

.

* * *

.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So..."

"..."

"You don't talk a lot, huh?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...No."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Right... that's awkward."

"..."

.

* * *

.

"Hello, puny infidels... what's wrong with Dean?"

"I threw something at him earlier because he was being a jerk."

"There was no need to be such a bitch about it! Honestly Sam, it was just a joke."

"A joke? And I'm not in on it?"

"Leave it alone, Gabriel."

"Why are you so red?"

"No reason."

"..okay?"

"..."

"..."

"Hey Sammy, wanna go on a date?"

"Gabriel-"

"Did you just mute my brother?"

"He's irksome."

"That's not the way to win my affections."

"Fine, I'll unmute."

"'Win my affections'? Seriously Sammy, I thought that you were past the romance writing when you started growing your hair out long."

"Whatever, Dean."

"Have I won your affections yet?"

"No."

"Come on kid. Not up for visiting Rome? You've always wanted to go...?"

"Rome? You would actually take me to _Rome_?"

"Oui, mon capain."

"That's French, douchebag."

"Yes Dean, and it is also the language of love."

"Gabriel, this isn't a date."

"Sammy, you're not seriously considering... Sam? Sam! Son of a..."

"..."

"I _hate_ that guy."

.

* * *

.

"Is that seriously what you're calling yourselves?"

"What?"

"Team Free Will? Seriously Sam?"

"I never said we'd be called that."

"You thought it."

"Get out of my head."

"Come on, kiddo, don't excite yourself. I was just skimming. Thinking about it now that I am in attendance, I do prefer the title 'Team Awesome' of which I would be the captain, but I suppose that 'Team Free Will' has a nice chummy anti-angel ring to it."

"You're the newbie. You don't get an opinion of the team name."

"So there is a team name."

"You're annoying."

"And you're sexy."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't. Pop tart?"

"No... you said I was sexy."

"Jeez Louise Sammy, why are you overreacting so much? It was just a compliment!"

"It was kinda creepy though. Since you tried to date me and all."

"True."

"..."

"What you gonna do about it?"

"..."

"..."

"Mmm..."

"What the Hell?"

"Oh, hey Dean."

"..."

"..."

"...awkward."

"Shut _up_ Gabriel."

.

* * *

.

"Lucifer is about two days from raising the pits of Hell to the Earthly realm... you know that, right?"

"Gabriel, don't you have other people to annoy?"

"Nope, Dean-o. Just you and me tonight. We can make it if-"

"Stop singing."

"I have a lovely singing voice."

"Where are Bobby and Sam?"

"Local orgy."

"Bite me."

"No thanks."

"I wasn't offering."

"Sure you weren't."

"..."

"..."

"Listen, angel, if you hurt my little brother-"

"Why would I hurt Sam?"

"Because you're a perverse old man with serious emotional issues."

"I am old, I am perverse, I do have severe emotional issues, but I most certainly am not a man!"

"Yeah, whatever, shut up. I'm trying to threaten you."

"Carry on, my wayward son."

"If you hurt Sammy-"

"I thought that we've already established that I wouldn't hurt Sam. I kind of like guy, and he's kind of important to my evil plan."

"Gabriel, let me talk!"

"But you never say anything of consequence."

"Gabriel!"

"Okay, jeez, I'm listening."

"Thank you. If you-"

"Wanna chocolate bar?"

"Oh my God ! –OW!"

"Don't blaspheme or I'll kill you again."

"Can you shut up for just a second?"

"I can."

"If –"

"But I don't want to."

"That's it."

"What are you doing? Who are you calling? Dean? Dean?"

"Sam. If you don't listen to me, I'm telling Sam that you don't like his hair."

"..."

"..."

"Sam is very sensitive about his hair."

"Yes he is."

"..."

"Your choice... phone is ringing."

"Fine. I'll listen, but speak fast, small insignificant extension of Castiel's being."

"If you hurt my little brother, I will hunt you down and stick a holy Molotov up your ass."

"Kinky."

"I hate you."

"Was that it?"

"Huh?"

"I thought that there would have been more, since you went to so much trouble to actually get the words out."

"I hate you."

"I think you're just in denial about your secret love for me... don't roll your eyes at me, infidel."

"Don't call me that... so you understand me?

"No hurting Sam. Got it."

"Right. Good."

"Wanna chocolate bar?"

"What's in it?"

"A brotherly bonding moment."

"..."

"...no really."

"Oh. Thanks."

"..."

"..."

"... and laxatives."

"I hate you so much right now."

.

* * *

.

"You know, I think that because I'm here now, you should change the name to "Team Awesome"."

"No matter what, Gabriel, we are never going to call you Captain Awesome."

"Not what you were saying last night, kiddo."

"What did I tell you idjits about doing it on my couch?"

"Something about a shotgun and somewhere private."

"Bobby, we didn't do anything on your couch."

"Your bathroom is fair game though, right? What? You never said anything about the bathtub, and everything washes right down the drain."

"Goddammit, stupid angels. I'm making a list."

"A shopping list? You need more pop tarts. I ate all of yours and I want more."

"No, a list of all the places you are not allowed to have sex in my house."

"Don't look sad, Sammy. He didn't mention anything about other sexual favours."

"You're mistaking embarrassment for sadness again, Gabriel."

"Hey, it's okay. It is completely normal to be attracted to me. There is no reason to be embarrassed. After all, I am Captain Awesome."

"The list is complete, and sexual favours are off the table."

"What about the couch?"

"Gabriel, let's just not do it in Bobby's house."

"That is an option..."

"No, it's a _policy_. Now if you two girls don't mind, I'm going to go do something productive... Hell I might go all out and research how to kill the Devil."

"It can be done with love, Bobby."

"I hate you."

"..."

"..."

"People have been saying that to me a lot lately."

.

* * *

.

"..."

"Hey Castiel, pass me that manuscript."

"..."

"Thanks."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"And the whiskey."

"..."

"Thanks."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I like you better than Gabriel. You don't have sex on my furniture."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Thanks."

"...anytime."

.

* * *

.

"Cas, who told you that this was a good idea?"

"What was a good idea?"

"You know... this."

"I fail to see what you are referring to."

"Dude, you have your hands down my pants."

"I do."

"..."

"..."

"Care to elaborate, Cas?"

"No."

"...okay."

"Gabriel."

"What?"

"Gabriel told me that this was a good idea."

"Figures."

"It's important? Who told me?"

"Well... this isn't exactly something that two guys do."

"You appear to be enjoying it."

"That's a completely understandably natural bodily response!"

"I'm sure it is."

"..."

"..."

"Gabriel didn't tell me what to do beyond this."

"I see."

"Angels do not have much imagination."

"Nothing to be ashamed of, Cas. I think it's kind of cute."

"You do?"

"No."

"...but you just said-"

"No I didn't."

"Oh."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Gabriel also gave me chocolate sauce."

"Oh."

"..."

"..."

"Do you like chocolate?"

"That would be sticky."

"Yes... sticky."

"Cas, what did Gabriel even say? I mean, after he told you to put your hands down my pants and gave you chocolate sauce?"

"That was the end of the conversation... but at the beginning, he and Sam were talking of something called 'facebook'."

"He had a camera, didn't he?"

"How did you-"

"I hate that guy."

.

* * *

.

"Son of a bitch."

"What is it?"

"Found what we were looking for."

"...well? In case you haven't noticed, boy, we haven't got a whole lot of time to sit around with our thumbs up our asses."

"'God shall lead the army of the Earthly realm against all who oppose his word."

"Does it happen to tell us where God is? Or how an army of humans suddenly means jack against a legion of angels and demons?"

"We should show this to Gabriel. He might be able to-"

"You called?"

"You're freaky."

"Did you just call on me to insult me, because I have better things to do. Like your little brother. For instance."

"Dean, move. Gabriel, look at this."

"I am looking."

"Well-"

"And now I am thinking."

"What-"

"That means you must be silent."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Gabriel?"

"This is a relief. I thought that we were screwed, for a short moment there."

"There's a picture of you in the illustrations, Gabriel."

"Ah, yes. That was my fifth host, when I popped out of Loki for a trip south. He was a squirmy bastard."

"Gabriel, what does all of this mean?"

"It means that you need to buck up because the final battle is within our reach. Where is your father buried?"

"We burned and salted his body. Why?"

"That's inconvenient, but not impossible to remedy. Where?"

"A woodland in Wisco... did you just mind-probe me?"

"See you later. I'll be bringing a guest."

"wait- where'd he go?"

"My best guess is to where your daddy's remains are."

"Are you two seeing something here that I'm not?"

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that John's another vessel."

"..."

"You know. His vessel."

"His with a capital H?"

"Yeah."

"You mean God."

"Yes, genius."

"I don't believe you."

"Look here, Dean. 'God will lead the army' he's gotta have a human body to lead a bunch of humans. It could be John because... well, Your Dad's the God to you and Sam, in the same way that God is a dad to Michael and Lucifer."

"As it is in Heaven, so it will be on Earth, huh? Another thing... what army?"

"I suppose we're going to have to ask him when he gets here."

"God's coming here?"

"My best guess."

"Jesus Christ."

"Take my advice and don't say that in front of him."

.

* * *

.

"Hey Bobby... why are you cleaning?"

"Can't a man clean his own house anymore? And it's not like it doesn't need it, after you and your angel go at it all the time on my couch."

"Well... sorry. I suppose, but... well, don't we have more urgent things to put attention to at the moment?"

"God is coming over later."

"...to stay, or just for dinner?"

"I'm serious, boy. Your angel seems to think that any second life will be breathed into John Winchester so he can be the holiest meat suit of all."

"Of course he does. How much sugar has he had?"

"It makes kind of sense... and just on the offchance that God's coming around, I'm cleaning up a bit."

"And once God gets involved, it's pretty much over, isn't it?"

"Pretty much."

"..."

"..."

"You do know that if God hasn't smote you for all the drinking, the swearing and the repeated shooting of His messenger in the face, he won't smite you for having a bit of dust on the mantel."

"No one can blame me for shooting Gabriel."

"True, but you get my point."

"I do."

"..."

"It's this or the whiskey, Sam. Don't make me stop."

"..."

"..."

"...actually, I think I'm going to help. You know, until Gabriel gets back."

"Thanks Sam."

"Anytime... I guess."

.

* * *

.

"Hey Cas."

"Hello Dean."

"Sorry about the whole pant thing- woah!"

"My Father is returning, Dean. He has chosen us to aid."

"..."

"My apologies. I am making you uncomfortable."

"Naw, man, it's okay. It's just a hug and... well I guess it's a special occasion."

"It feels nice."

"Yeah, it does."

"..."

"Dean Winchester."

"Holy crap, Da- sorry."

"Father!"

"Castiel, I hear you have been searching for me."

"Yes, Father."

"..."

"..."

"You don't say much, do you?"

"..."

"..."

"I see. Gabriel, gather your army."

"Err... this is it."

"These two?"

"And the fully grown men wearing the rubber gloves in the next room."

"..."

"I can see why you were so desperate to seek me out, Castiel."

"We can find more hunters. I mean, I know good ones who can gank a demon anyday. I mean... kill a demon."

"You're suck a schmuck."

"Gabriel, hold yourself."

"Yes Father."

"Do not worry Dean. This army is more than enough. The size of humanity's army is more than enough, even if one human decides to stand up and fight for what they believe is right."

"...oh."

"..."

"S'pose that's okay then."

"Yes, it is."

"..."

"..."

"So Dad, what's the game plan?"

"Oh, your brothers must accept their vessels."

"Whoa... what? No way in Hell."

"Trust me, young man. You will be taken care of."

"How do I know? Yeah, you sound like God and yeah, you're standing next to the messenger of God, but how do I know that you're any better than they are? No, Cas, let me speak. How am I meant to have faith in something which never even bothered to tell his sons where he was going before just disappearing?"

"I am in your father's body, Dean, but do not confuse me with John Winchester."

"I was talking about Cas."

"No you weren't."

"Yes I-"

"Dean, please do not argue with God."

"After the events of the apocalypse, Castiel will be rewarded for his participation in my plan."

"Father?"

"Yes Gabriel?"

"We must summon Lucifer and Michael to the Chosen Field. The Winchester will take their vessels."

"Gabriel – "

"Sam, this is one of these times you'll just have to trust me."

"I don't trust you."

"Dean, shut up. We'll do it."

"The Hell we'll-"

"Dean, you are the righteous man. You must do this."

"Right... the righteous man."

"The prophecy is real... we were just missing a certain part of the story. My Father."

"Not that this isn't a lovely romantic moment for you, Dean-o, but- ow."

"Don't patronise the humans, Gabriel."

"There's no need to look so pleased, Sam."

"Yes there is. It's hilarious when you're not the most powerful thing in the room. You get all stroppy."

"I'd hate to break this all up, but can we either get going or sit down. I'm not as young as I used to be, and God's in my living room."

"Gabriel will lead you to the Chosen Field, where you will accept your vessels."

"...where'd he go?"

"Somewhere."

"Specific, Gabriel."

"Hmm. So, possibly last night on Earth, Sammy..."

"Son of a – where'd _they_ go?"

"I can only assume from their body language they left to fornicate."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Rhetorical, Cas. Really, _really_ rhetorical."

.

* * *

.

"So... yeah. Your boss can get all up in me."

"What a surprising and pleasant change of heart you've had, Dean."

"Whatever Zachariah. Just call Michael and let's get this over with."

"With pleasure."

.

* * *

.

"I'm going to say yes."

"Why Sam, I knew you'd realise-"

"Can we cut the posturing short, man? I mean, I know you're the Devil and all, but I said yes, and what more do you want?"

"Very well. That is all that I wanted from you."

.

* * *

.

"Brothers, lovely to see you, it's been a while."

"Gabriel?"

"Yeah, let's not talk about this now. There's someone who would really like to meet you."

"Gabriel, don't mock your brothers."

"…"

"..."

"That's right, bitches."

"Gabriel, I'm warning you-"

"Sorry."

"Father! You're back."

"I never left Earth, Michael, only Heaven. I went to live amongst my creations, trusting that you would carry out justice in Heaven... It seems that I overestimated your capacity."

"Father-"

"I don't understand."

"Quiet Lucifer. You and Michael will not fight. Neither of you shall be struck down."

"Dad –"

"No, Gabriel, do you not trust me?"

"Of course, I –"

"Then take care of the humans. I trust that Raphael will be more than willing to marshall the troops upon Michael's absence."

"My absence?"

"Yes, Michael. It seems that you, I and your younger brother have a lot to catch up on. And we will do it away from the humans, because your duty as angels is to protect them. Speaking of which, Gabriel, we'll talk when I get back."

"Yessir."

"...where'd they go?"

"I can only assume to an uninhabitable plane between universes to resolve their issues."

"...Naturally. Why didn't I think of that, Cas?"

"I don't need to answer that question, do I?"

"No. Wait, resolve their issues?"

"I expect their absence to be prolonged. They have a lot of issues."

"No sh-"

"Dean, it's over."

"Yeah, I know, Sammy. It was a great deal easier than expected, huh?"

"Dean, we're lucky we still have control of all our faculties. They were... that was weird."

"Yeah, I've never been possessed before."

"Alright, can we just forget the horrors of the inner workings of my disturbed brothers' minds for a moment, and just revel in the knowledge that our side pwned?"

"I can do that."

"Yup."

"Certainly."

"..."

"So the Winchesters are back in the game then."

"Yeah, sons, we're gonna have to talk about that."

"Later, Dad. What do we do now?"

"..."

"I suggest strip club."

"Of course you would, Gabe."

"Hey Sammy, wanna go to the Grand Canyon?"

"I'm good with that."

"Never been there."

"Seriously... you've been alive forever and you've never been to the Grand Canyon?"

"...no."

"The Canyon it is. And Dean? Give me back my damn keys. I'm driving."

"...fine."


End file.
